Frustrated and it;s not even TTC

I'm frustrated today :(

I finally got off my rumpus and went to the DMV yesterday to get the ball rolling on my driver's license and found out that I have to take a drivers ed course. There's one in 2 weeks at the driving academy near home, so I hope to make it to that one and be on the way towards my license within the month. I've decided against a permit, because state law is to keep it for 6 months and I just don't want to wait that long.

It always seems like there is something but at least I'm geting on with it

UGH!!!!!!! ( o ) ( o ) PAIN!

NOTE: If you're reading a TTC/Infertility blog then I'm not going to bother putting TMI on this... it's ALL TMI... Yes, men are involved, but it's mostly a woman's world... "Ovary Up" or get out!

My breasts are in so much pain I'm ready to take them off and give them away!!

I am at CD 12 so since I am only 8 days into my BCP I have a double whammy taht my body is getting ready to ovulate while the new hormones are just getting to the point of stopping it and my body is trying to figure out where there hell teh extra hormone gunk is coming from.... and instead of my whole body feeling like crap it's ALL effecting my boobs!!

I called the nurse at my new ob and she said yep that is most certainly what is going on, and to reduce my caffeine intake (as I'm sipping on coffee while talking to her) because it can aggravate breast tissue at some points in your cycle... UGH! Put cold compresses on them if it gets too bad, and take an Aleve or 2 regular Tylenol if I need the relief.

She also said that if it's not unbearable to stick it out for 2 months. Any hormonal treatment takes 2 months to regulate in your body and by then the side effects should go away. If by the time I start my 3rd pack I am still having issues they'll change my BC, because by then if it hasn't regulated to my body it never will... so I have 48 days before I know if this is over for good...

God help my poor boobies :(

Blogging for prayers...

This blog has nothing to do with me .. but if anyone out in the web is reading, please don;t skip it by.

My best friend spent over 4 years TTC and FINALLY got her bfp! She is due December 8, 2009. Yesterday. she started spotting and they couldn't tell her much.. so we're under "threatened miscarriage" until she sees her RE Tuesday for a new ultrasound. I pray it was shoddy/old equipment and the RE (almost a full week later) sees a bouncy baby blob and sturdy heartbeat.

So if you have a moment all I ask is for a simple prayer .. "Please let Brandy Brady carry this baby to a happy and healthy full term." I do not ever want her to go through the heartache, agony, and wrongly placed selfhate of a loss like I was forced to. Infertility was enough. She should be able to enjoy her pregnancy.

Yes, I'm frustrated, angry, and so worried... and numerous other emotions I can't put a name to.

I just want her and this baby safe. That is all I ask.

Until we blog again.....

Blahs...

AF is gone and I've started my bcp's. Tonight will be day 3 I think. It's frustrating, but not as emotionally aggravating as I believed it would be. At least I have a goal to aim towards. Other than that I haven't much to say. I have a case of the blahs, but I think it;s AF leftovers and holidays let downs. It was a busy weekend and it seems awful quiet and boring at home. I miss being so far away from all my family and friends. I have a few in Baton Rouge, but their lives are so busy I never see them. My life revolves around my husband and kids (which is great) and whether or not we can afford the extra tank of gas to drive 3-4 hours in some various direction to see more friends or family. Oh well, enough babbling for tonight.. I'll TRY to keep posting updates as I work towards the TTC goals...

Charting, TCM, and an exercise in frustration....

I read "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" a while back and have retained the majority of the information i think ... lol!

I started a new book last night called The Infertility Cure written by a West meets East doctor who used used Traditional Chinese Medicine to cure er fertility and became a ob/gyn then studied TCM and now had her own clinic that specializes in infertility...

I rambled..

Well, point of this post is she reminded me that AF is non-stoppable flow, not spotting. And since I marked yesterday as CD 1 I haven;t seen a spot of blood. So at Brandy's suggestion and with much hairpulling I put yesterday as spotting only which pulled CD1 out.

My temp dropped way below the coverline this morning so I still expect AF to show full force today or tomorrow.

I have reached a plateau where I am READY for her to start. This book also notes on/off spotting before AF and dark flow (all of which I have..tmi) as a sign of poor blood circulation. That isn;t good for TTC, implantation, or pregnancy.

I hope to work on these issues while waiting on hubby to decide the time is right and be healthier when we do TTC. I JUST NEED AF TO START FLOWING SO I CAN MOVE ON!!!

Eternally confused & frustrated,
Anne Marie

Calling it...

Well I humbly believe she is here. Lightly, but here. I will grudgingly begin my BCP Sunday and I really hope that can straiten out my cycle for my luteal phase for when we do start TTC because a 9-10 day luteal phase is just NOT gonna cut it....

I thought I'd be devastated, and I am upset, but it was ONCE chance in a million.. not very likely. I can bask in the fact that I CAN have another chance as soon as things fall into place. I have physical limitations to my TTC but no medical ban. that in itself is enough to look forward to...

xoxo

Where oh where if AF???

Temps dropping and I'm ok with it. I just wish AF would get here (since I'm not bleeding at all) and get on with it so I can move on to the next phase.

After a long discussion we decided on TTC Phases and not a TTC Plan.

Phase 1 - Begin BCP
Phase 2 - My license
Phase 3 - Re-access
Phase 4 - TBA (to be announced)

I have to get my butt going on ChaCha and work on our savings also, because we don't/can't count on family for helping with baby necessities, as they all have family and/or issues of their own. It's ok. We're used to it and like being independent (for the most part) ... at least no one can tell us what to do with things we've done for ourselves, LOL!

I hope to be trying by late summer if everything is moving along. I had wanted a definite date to begin TTC, but he was right (omg i'm putting that in print?????) it is amazing that we've been given another chance to TTC, and we're both grateful, but we have to look at a big picture and get things in place first to make the transition to a family of 5 better for all of us and not just me.

Do I like waiting? No.
Do I wanna wait? No.

But as deep as this ache and longing for another baby is I have to make it ok for my babies here too.

Still no idea...

Well, still no heavier bleeding.

I would say NO bleeding becaus eit is almost gone.. but nooooot quite. If I can get DH to get me some HPT's on the way home tomorrow I might test every other day (Wednesday/Friday/Sunday) until something definite happens either way.

All I know for sure is that I don't want to start those pills SUnday without a definite heavy cycle. If my cycle is screwed up enough already that I'm not having any bleeding, I think I may need to call the doc back and find out if I should even take the bcp's..... I don't know anymore.

At this point I'm just ready to start actually bleeding so it's confirmed AF.

For tonight,
Eternally & hopelessly confused,
Anne Marie

Frustrated and confused...

First a little back story...

September 18, 2005 - MY WEDDING DAY!!

• 10 am - - 10 dpo
• 2pm - small family/informal wedding
• 5pm - getting out the dress - light/med spotting
• Sept 18-28 light/med spotting and just "out of it
• Oct 3 - friend demands a HPT - 24 dpo
• June 2 , 2006 Kaelyn Elizabeth arrives

*************************************************

So here I am praying that I don't get put on hold by hubby and I get:

• 9 dpo
• 
• light spotting
  

I never get my positives early. I just tested "because."

I don't know what to do. I obviously want this to be like kaelyn and just spotting before my BFP. If it was heavy flow and I KNEW it was AF I would accept it. We only BD ONCE before O.

If it is spotting..

I guess I'll wait till Sunday. If it get's heavy enough to call it AF I will, if not I'll test again.

I am worried if it's NOT AF... that's a 9 day luteal phase

And to top it off I tried to talk to hubby about a time line for TTC if I did start the BC pills and he said about 2 sentences then started talking about skate parks.... Sometimes I really do want to give up... and I haven't even started yet.

My chart has the chart for DD#2 showing the spotting before under this month's chart.

I obviously don't want to start the pills (at all) if it might be like Kaelyn.

I don't want every month TTC to be like this. I want definite answers, either AF or not. I can get frustrated at AF and that's ok. I can deal with it. It's the "maybe--maybe not--just wait" that's what makes me crazy. I don;t want to get him frustrated before we even get to reallystart trying, and he will if I have too many questions/concerns about it.

I guess the frustration boils down to I was expecting AF and now I have this limbo.. I JUST WANT AN ANSWER!!!!!

All in my head???

Someone on my message board just asked if I was having any symptoms (due to our 'oops' the day before O) This is my reply

Real symptoms or imagined ones??? LOL

I know that last night before I growled at him for pinching my nipples hard enough to make them hurt and he looked at me like I was nuts and said he hardly touched them, LOL!

I was nauseated most of the day yesterday but that could have been from the migraine and/or heat and/or giving blood Saturday then getting in the heat all day Sunday.

I have been in bed at like 8-9pm all week and I am usually an insomniac and stay up till 2-3 am....

So I dunno. I wanna say its good signs, but it could just as easily be I have worn myself out any my body is demanding I rest...

I'm TRYING to hold out till Friday. I went back through my ;ast 3 pregnancies and I got my BFP's late.. so I dunno what to do!

I woiuld love to say YES I AM! IT'S GREAT PG SIGNS!! but I want to be a realist, with my age, one tube, and one night of BD, could it possibly have happened so soon? We wante dto put a plan in place and attempt to follow it and get some things taken care of. I guess we'll just have to take one day at a time and see what happens.

Anne Marie

My 2nd opinion was a tear jerker!

My new doctor is awesome!! The insurance I have is for "family planning" ie birth control and he wasn't even goingto discuss it with me!! he wanted me to POAS for the oops till he found out it was only 5dpo!

I do have a script... hubby isn't 100% on the bandwagon... YET! LOL!

ANYWAY...

There ARE risks/concerns...

#1 being that I have a higher risk of another tubal. He said he'd do an u/s as soon as possible to confirm pregnancy placement.
#2 a large baby could mean earlier delivery (35 wks or later preferably)
#3 definitly no VBAC
#4 I'm 31.. not as easy TTC as when I was 19 or even 27/28, but it is possible
#5 I only have one tube... again lowering the odds
#6 he's already mentioned fertility treatments if I have major problems.

As for the b/c script I got. I got that in case my oops this month is a BFN and if I can't convince hubby with in a week. He's been firmly convinced since my surgery that TTC/pregnancy is fatal to me. SO he's got to be warmed up.

I got Ortho Tri-Cyclen - - It's what I was on 12 years ago before TTC #1 and I was pregnant with 2 months of getting off of it after taking it for 2-3 years, and I had no side effects.

So all in all a GREAT visit! I am so glad I jumped in and got a new doctor. His evil stern looking picture made me except the worst, but he is GREAT!!!

I am so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nervous

Well my 2nd opinion is tomorrow. I got my records in. I see nothing that says "DO NOT TTC" but I'm not the dr. I hope to get good news. I'm so worried. I know stressing does no good. I really can;t put into words how I feel. I'm afraid to break into tears in front of a brand new doctor that I have never met before. UGH!! Well what else am I going to do if I don;t get the answer I am longing for... die? I'll feel like it. Oh well, no use worrying now. I have to wait until tomorrow... no use dropping dead before I go...

Opps to hopes?

We had a moment of reckless abandonment the day before I ovulated this month according to my chart, so we're officially ok so maybe HE'S not going crazy. He just said "if we don't start being careful we're gonna get in trouble... **sigh** My reply is.. hopefully after April 3 it won't matter. Getting closer & closer every day....

I'm nervous, but a little more hopeful after reading my records. It wasn't a large biopsy into my uterus, and I'm feeling better about getting a good review from this new dr.


Anne Marie