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12 December 2011

Fertile thoughts for winter...

As Christmas runs around again I think of Christmases past..
Some spent excited over the new life growing inside me... some spent missing the lives I had lost... and as I now sit thinking of all of these things as I decorate our home for Christmas with my children, and hang my angel ornaments on the tree. This Christmas, and the past several, I have loved the children I have, loved and missed the ones I have lost, and loved and longed for the one that is alluding me... my little caboose, the one final child I ache for.

Earlier in the month I celebrated my 34th birthday. My loving husband and girls took me to dinner then we had fattening dessert & Starbucks coffee.. no cake for us by the way because the
 sign was on  at Krispy Kreme and the inner Californians in us could not resist (NO, I don't care of KK is from Cali or not it is where WE found KK.!!!). It was a great day except for ONE thing... I was on CD #2... a perfect day ruined the day before it started.

You see I had had grand plans for THIS birthday. November's vacation to California to celebrate my grandfather-in-law's life after his passing had filled me with renewed hope in my fertility, in love, in life, in family. I was hoping against all the odds against me to return home and get that special "Birthday BFP" that everyone wishes for. I gave my self a 35 year old TTC cut-off date, not because I couldn't conceive  past then, but because I'm already high risk and don't think I can mentally handle the added stress and HR of being of "advance maternal age", and I just KNEW that 34 would be the magic number for me.

So now I sit. 34 + 9 days and I try to keep the faith in my "reproductivity". I have time to conceive this child I long for so badly. Some days I am in mental anguish over it. Some days I feel... blank - like there is no emotion to feel for this thing I cannot grasp. But always there is a hope that it will happen... not only for me, but for all my infertile sisters who long for a child so badly..

To all my sisters I say, let's keep this hope alive.

To a very special sister who has a beautiful new angel this Christmas, I offer all the hope and love that I can muster that your 2012 holiday picture shows a smiling family of 4 for Julian and his tiny angel predecessor to shine down upon. 

To anyone else reading this blog post.. hug a mother today, but remember that just because a woman does not have children you can see does not mean that she is not a mother. She may have angels awaiting her in heaven you don;t know about. She may have lost a child too soon to pre-term birth, SIDS, terrible accidents, or even had a stepchild she loved ripped from her arms. She may be an infertile who has never conceived, but the love she has in her heart for the child she would give anything for is nothing short of the love that we "traditional" mothers give the children we have living under our roof. It takes something very special to be a mother... love.

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2 comments:

Angela said...

I hope 34 is your magic number! ♥

Anonymous said...

Love this AM! I do hope that 34 is your magic age- it was for me.... As always, I'll be stalking and around to lend an ear.... <3 x a million :-)


Michelle/ Ozzy's mom

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