21 February 2012

Saving me & mine...

In January 2012, I suffered an early term pregnancy loss. Suffered is putting it mildly. After years of trying it opened up a whole new world of pain I forgot existed. To see that positive test and have my body rip it away immediately was mind numbing and soul wrecking.

It made me realize not only how bad I really wanted another child, but how bad TTC is hurting me.

I have come to a long and hard decision. Instead of "TTC in 2012" and stopping TTC at the end of the year... we're "TTC a 2012 baby". I have an appointment for my annual exam on March 28th. It should be right around the time I ovulate for a late December EDD. If I am not pregnant in time for a 2012 EDD, I'm getting back on birth control to preserve what fertility I DO have left until IVF is feasible for us or my uterine problems finally cause need for a hysterectomy.

I love TTC (to an extent obvisouly) and I DO want another child so friggin badly, but I just can't do this anymore. It's tearing me apart.... and one huge thing makes me believe this is the right choice: no tears when I made the decision, and even more telling no tears anymore listening to and singing  aloud to Kellie Coffey's "I Would Die For That."

If you've never TTC you will never understand how much that song hurts.. if you have... you understand why I feel that no tears is a huge turning point. The song still pulls at my heart, but for other reasons I now believe. Amy, Mike & Jackson - Michelle, John, & Riley - Trish, Dave, & Sam.. (just to name very few miracles "in" my life) now give that song the message of hope that it should, rather than the feelings of despair that it did.

I have to stop the cycle of hope, pain, and depression. Not just for me, but for my family.
  • My girls have started talking about stuff  "for our baby"... and while I was ok for a long time with hurting myself with the "what ifs" I cannot do it to them.
  • My husband has a valid point.. well several.
    • That while I am trying to start a career this is no longer the best time to try
    • That I am stressing myself out over things I really can't control and it would be fine to TTC if I just could stop caring so much... and we know that can't happen!
  • My husband has never uttered one word about this, but I know the loss affected him. He saw a message on my phone about testing and thought I was hiding a BFP surprise from him.
  • The stress of TTC and the effect it has on my emotions causes a LOT of spats.. fights.. WARS in our marriage. I admit that usually I am to blame because I can't express myself and I lash out ot everything. He deserves better.
  • Believe it or not, I am not upset about this decision. I am oddly comforted. I have a goal: get pregnant. I have a expiration date: EDD December 2012. I have an alternative: birth control until another option becomes available.
Do I WANT to get pregnant before my EDD goal runs out? HELL YES! Will I be upset if I do not meet that goal? Right now. I don't know.

I do know that this is what I need, and my emotions, or lack thereof make me believe that is it the CORRECT decision. I'm good with this.. it's a relief.

I'm ending this with the song that everyone who knows an infertile should hear.. and you know what. EVERYONE SHOULD LISTEN, because LIKE it or not, KNOW it or not, BELIEVE it or not, someone you know IS an infertile... and most can't/won't admit it because they know so very few people who would understand.



Angela said...

Zaes said...

We love you

Zaes said...

We love you

Melissa said...


Jessica Cali said...

Wish you luck in TTC a 2012 baby! Most importantly, take care of yourself!! :-)

Anonymous said...

<3 you AM, !!! Riley sends his love- ;)

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