01 August 2009

Difficult decisions...

I am seriously contemplating hanging up my TTC stockings and walking away with my 2 beautiful blessings and my 2 angels.

I know. Take a deep breath. The realization hit me like a ton of bricks.. and I brought it up on the road and thought my husband was going to wreck. I asked him on a scale of 1 to 10 how bad he wanted another. He sighed and said, "I don't think you're gonna like my answer." When I replied "Try me," I think he swerved.

He doesn't think we need more. Hasn't from the beginning. He knows how deeply I want to try again and was going along. Not that he wouldn't love another, just that he doesn't want me to go through it again. Two losses that deeply cratered my heart bookend a pregnancy that was horrid and a delivery that nearly killed me. Yes, my princess was worth it, but can I handle it again?

I have this whole deck stacked against me.

Past unexplained miscarriage.
Past tubal pregnancy.
One tube.
Scarring in my uterus.
Thyroid issues.
Over 30.

Do I want another? YES.
Do I want to try just one more time for my prince? YES.
Can I handle the strain of secondary infertility again? Maybe.
Can I handle the pain of another loss? No.
Am I willing to take the risk? I don't know.

You see first I have to deal with the infertility and GET pregnant. Then I have to deal with the other issues to STAY pregnant. I don't know if I can go through that again.

And then my girls... Amazing. Growing and beautiful. Pain in my and I love them to the end of the universe. Halie is blossoming into the young woman she doesn't want to be lol.. and Kaelyn is getting so independent and learning so much. They are both so free spirited.

And they are both reaching an age that I can step back and have time for myself.

I know that sounds selfish, but I gave birth at 19. I'm 31 now. I am in college and about to start a legal career. Am I being selfish to myself by wanting another child at whatever cost? Or selfish to my family by not taking the opportunity to flourish in my career and create a better life for them? For us? Is it smart or selfish to step back and think about us being a 4 person (plus fur) family?

I wanted to call my insurance about my hysterectomy (that was suggested a while back from the scarring and pain) but he said this was a fast turn around and he doesn't want me to regret it. So for now I am indefinitely on the pill until we think this through more.

On my way out the door.. I have pregnant friends to shop for


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